self-loathing

Just general restlessness.(7 Months ago, December 2012)

I somehow had the idea that I have no meaning nor does anyone else for that matter but that doesn’t stop me form existing or making life a miserable hell for those who wish or believe in something greater, doing some sort of thing that will help ease the pain of humanity then again what else is there to do if you are privileged enough to have higher thoughts where your existence is a problem rather than trying to exist just trying their level best to survive.I believe that once you reach that level of awareness where you can comprehend that nothing you do or try to do is worth the effort is the day you can work towards the greater good because only then can you realize that whatever you where doing was so pointless.You could have helped that poor beggar on the street get their act together in that while rather then waste more and more cash on things like a ipad mini which will just send you down the rabbit hole of consumption, a land of no return where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Its all a game to me now.I don’t know if my introverted disposition will ever give me any advantage in life or any comfort in life maybe momentary comforts that i can in a hedonistic manner consume. I just inadvertently pick the oddest of moments in my life to break down.Either i am up and running peeking my potential or just down in the dumps and moping around all the time. I am in essence tired of this manic depression, tired of this push and shove game with life and its passerby’s.

All i have that is true is pain,restlessness and a mental state that is about to brake into an anxious slaughter of my core. It can hit any given moment just give it a second it will kick in soon. There is a monster in me that wants red from within me.All i know is that i will die alone and twitch like a monkey on 10 cups of coffee in that transition from life to death.

I have never met anyone that idealizes pain,

All I’ve seen seen is people saying happiness comes with a does of pain.

Lets get it over with.

In the wake of dread lay my mind unable to comprehend what might come next, it keeps me up shit keeps me up lack of direction keep me stuck in a rut. I go deeper I find out that it is infarct quagmire, not a crossroad. Figuring out the meaning of life is a mere obscurity now I cannot figure out what this mind has in-store for me now. I feel bipolar; one moment everything is narly in a moment which turns into gnarly. I don’t see it. I don’t see what I saw years ago. That drive is lost. That driver is lost, this is an unmanned vehicle now interact at your own risk. 

 

Lets get it over with I say lets get out while we have something, while some of the sweet nectar of nostalgia is still present. Why, Oh why do I wish to do the same thing over and over. Getting my hopes up and then crumbling them like wafer. I can’t remember why I decided to change myself in the first place. Tried to make more of an effort to be a member of the mainstream why the reinvention when all I was going to do later was throw it away right into the drain like it meant nothing. But I guess it didn’t mean much since I forgot about it. Yes, I am talking about me. I forgot about me. I lost me. I had a gimps of me and it was too much. I could’ve been something but I didn’t want it. Why should I want it. After all it is just me. What have I done for me since? If I say me some more perhaps it will be meaningless.

 

Fuck me. Fuck everything about me.

 

PS : I will post rest of my depression stage paragraphs/blog posts after this one.