Well i think its close. It is following me around this feeling. Constantly the feeling of coming end , the feeling of restlessness , the feeling of utter uselessness and inability to concentrate on anything that matters and is going to potentially effect me as an individual in the coming future.
Nothing cheers me up. I’ve started to do things just to feel again…I’ve forgotten how to feel. Fuck. Just…I mean have I really gotten to that point? I never thought everything goes so numb sometimes. Just staring. Thats what i do sometimes you know? Just zone out, don’t know if this life is worth the effort anymore.
I wake up broken and become worse and worse as the day progresses.Maybe I need a drastic change. Maybe i need to move out and move on with my life and leave my loved ones out of it. Even if it comes at a cost because I feel like a stranger with these loved ones anyways. I’m not even sure what love is. All I have is a concept it just never manifests in the physical form.
Maybe thats what i crave.But lust is what I am a slave.
I’m inhumane insane. Mundane existence that is my bane.
Just a few hours ago I came to know that I scored really low in the first semesters exams and will have to reappear for some papers next semester. As it is I had dropped out of a college last year(was studying English) since I didn’t like how they where treating the students and the syllabus structure was poor.
Then I joined a philosophy course this year in a different college after failing(or after exhausting all of my options) to peruse my first choice of English in a decent college. I believe I have a lot ridding on this since I’ve basically been a flaker all my life and that is not going to change any time soon I don’t have any future prospects without a decent score as there isn’t much scope philosophy as it is and especially in India(I was planning to jump ship later and get a masters in journalism).
I’ve been feeling quite depressed since I left my last college and started living with my parents constantly seeing their semi disappointed faces(I might be reading too much into it but still the feeling lingers) over the timespan of the past two years I’ve tried to improve my physical condition over and over again and some what succeed too but then again my depression took over when I couldn’t get into any decent college and had to settle for a different thing.So then I fell into a rut with my college. Which wasn’t the best thing to happen for my new field of study philosophy along with it I put on about 5-7 kg’s due to the depressed state of mind I was in now. This was not an option but I kept trying to think positive try to get knowledge and be enlightened but then I started physically deteriorating as I had stopped giving a damn about my body and started feeling sick all the time a lot of sleep deprivation and even started contemplating suicide after a while as I couldn’t really live with myself this person I had turned into…just the idea of it was eating me alive. I don’t have any friends that I socialize with as I have a really introverted personality.
So yeah, thoughts of suicide was seeming like a valid prospect to me as the situation for me was looking very grim, so was the condition of India and that is all I kept seeing, the bad that was in the society I was and am still living in a lot of fear.
Fear of people who aren’t ever going to accept or tolerate my belief as valid as theirs, of people who are deeply corrupt and are considered to be leaders of society, of people who are overly emotional and judgemental of others and amazingly have an entitled and proud feeling for this awful country that will not become a developed nation in the next 20-40 years. I felt the need to escape this hindrance of a country but couldn’t, I was and am going to be stuck here until and unless I get extraordinarily rich (which I don’t stand a chance of becoming any time) or go work in the farmland in some corner of this country so won’t have to deal with opinionated ass-holes, of this over populated, over polluted bit of land called India.
I still think like that and only way to not burden the world with a piece of shit self important ass-hole like myself is, I think ending my life. I just feel like the whole of my existence is pointless as hell and a hindrance to those who I come in contact with as they seem to be enjoying this shambles of a life they live.
Wake up on a Sunday morning like you are the best thing that ever happened to this world yet make the movement so sluggish that you look like yesterdays stinking brew left to mellow into the sunshine.You are up and about making moves that aren’t calculated yet trying to convince your mental self that you are making moves that are concise and even calculated.
You are yet to figure out the basics of your monthly expenses yet you think you have calculated your whole life.Thinking you already know whats going to happen next or what kind of dish life is going to serve you.So now you come around once again but now its too late.Too late to even rethink it the bell is ringing,the alarms and sirens are armed with noise and kids with guns and redrum in their minds.You need to run make a move for better or worse you have to run! Now it has to be well calculated you cannot just go for a free run or a marathon you have to stop once in a while take a look around you think and react it cant be all reflex.
So carve you train of thought to power through the hills of the unknown,because it has not just begun but not now but begun it has since the day of your birth and since then all you have done is lagged behind and you have arrived late to the station time after time.Although you tried over and over again to make people get on board with you story,yet all they did was stand in awe of another train in all his glory.
The other train that came quick and concise as if it was his god given right to steal what is yours: that little slot of time that you no longer owned.
Only thing you posses or will ever posses is uncertainty plain and simple other than that all you have is cycle of life: life comes in death goes out.
Happiness means not a thing in this world of ours either only be contempt or grey there is not room for gayness unless gay means homosexual. You can either be happy with what you have or be a model for economics which says humans have unlimited wants. Granted people can be happy with what they have but is that true happiness? Or is it just a young boy’s wet dream? Who knows maybe we are all unreal & all this is, is a wet dream of what a poor guy wants maybe this is all he can dream of even though it is so grand yet it is so faded.
Sometimes I just sit and think, think & think till I’ve overdone it and lost the initial thought that I had. And when I’m not thinking I am blank like a vessel waiting for some thoughts to fill me up because that is all I have because everything else is material it won’t last it is here now but no one knows of its whereabouts for tomorrow. In summary I would say that thoughts are the only thing that are yours well at least that’s what I think but yet I cannot help but look around and observe that it is not, it is as much of a materialistic possession as this body which is taken for granted. Our thoughts are influenced almost every fraction of the second of our waking life we have preconception no matter what and we are influenced by our mundane activities and everyday social interaction.
I am a mock epic of some person’s dream.
I am not eccentric but a self-cantered prick.
I live in a paradise which is lost,
I cost a lot but yet I refuse to smoke pot
Cause I am the enigmatic crack pot.
This isn’t placed to procure self-pity,
But to display how life tends to get gritty,
Shameless how I live my life with any gratefulness
Mocking of a life I have made that was just a dream.
Didn’t get the time to put up a update on last week , so here goes another joint post for two weeks.
Week 7 was pretty much a blur. only thing worth mentioning is the fact that i went to school for the whole week as i challenged myself to do a full weeks attendance in school just to see if i like it or not…
so all i achieved last week was a whole weeks attendance , no pleasure & a shit load of pain.
No onto last week : the highlight of last week was that i took Friday & had a school holiday on Saturday so what i got was a 3 day weekend which i used to study/finish the first book of history. I think the isolation this put me into was extraordinary as i barely even got out my room let alone the house.This i realize just today as i built up a shit ton of anger & unknowingly unleashed it upon my mother , this was due to the isolation plus a extraordinary amount of pressure that was just thrown at me along with too much bullshit.
Only positive thing i got out of the past few days is that my back is getting better but as soon as i spend a day in the school i end up fucking my back up due to the fact that the school doesn’t have benches with any lumbar support.
I seriously feel burnt out right about now,to cool down i didn’t study word one today & just try to chill/play games.I feel like drooping out of this session even, because of multiple reasons but i don’t know…should i ? can i ? can my parents afford it ? can i handle it, it being the humiliation , the what if question & the time that will be lost ?
The biggest problem of all is that i have no aim in life that i am driven to achieve , also the cynicism of course.
well y’all probably have decent life to get to so i guess until next Monday , its farewell.