Well i think its close. It is following me around this feeling. Constantly the feeling of coming end , the feeling of restlessness , the feeling of utter uselessness and inability to concentrate on anything that matters and is going to potentially effect me as an individual in the coming future.
Nothing cheers me up. I’ve started to do things just to feel again…I’ve forgotten how to feel. Fuck. Just…I mean have I really gotten to that point? I never thought everything goes so numb sometimes. Just staring. Thats what i do sometimes you know? Just zone out, don’t know if this life is worth the effort anymore.
I wake up broken and become worse and worse as the day progresses.Maybe I need a drastic change. Maybe i need to move out and move on with my life and leave my loved ones out of it. Even if it comes at a cost because I feel like a stranger with these loved ones anyways. I’m not even sure what love is. All I have is a concept it just never manifests in the physical form.
Maybe thats what i crave.But lust is what I am a slave.
I’m inhumane insane. Mundane existence that is my bane.
Just a few hours ago I came to know that I scored really low in the first semesters exams and will have to reappear for some papers next semester. As it is I had dropped out of a college last year(was studying English) since I didn’t like how they where treating the students and the syllabus structure was poor.
Then I joined a philosophy course this year in a different college after failing(or after exhausting all of my options) to peruse my first choice of English in a decent college. I believe I have a lot ridding on this since I’ve basically been a flaker all my life and that is not going to change any time soon I don’t have any future prospects without a decent score as there isn’t much scope philosophy as it is and especially in India(I was planning to jump ship later and get a masters in journalism).
I’ve been feeling quite depressed since I left my last college and started living with my parents constantly seeing their semi disappointed faces(I might be reading too much into it but still the feeling lingers) over the timespan of the past two years I’ve tried to improve my physical condition over and over again and some what succeed too but then again my depression took over when I couldn’t get into any decent college and had to settle for a different thing.So then I fell into a rut with my college. Which wasn’t the best thing to happen for my new field of study philosophy along with it I put on about 5-7 kg’s due to the depressed state of mind I was in now. This was not an option but I kept trying to think positive try to get knowledge and be enlightened but then I started physically deteriorating as I had stopped giving a damn about my body and started feeling sick all the time a lot of sleep deprivation and even started contemplating suicide after a while as I couldn’t really live with myself this person I had turned into…just the idea of it was eating me alive. I don’t have any friends that I socialize with as I have a really introverted personality.
So yeah, thoughts of suicide was seeming like a valid prospect to me as the situation for me was looking very grim, so was the condition of India and that is all I kept seeing, the bad that was in the society I was and am still living in a lot of fear.
Fear of people who aren’t ever going to accept or tolerate my belief as valid as theirs, of people who are deeply corrupt and are considered to be leaders of society, of people who are overly emotional and judgemental of others and amazingly have an entitled and proud feeling for this awful country that will not become a developed nation in the next 20-40 years. I felt the need to escape this hindrance of a country but couldn’t, I was and am going to be stuck here until and unless I get extraordinarily rich (which I don’t stand a chance of becoming any time) or go work in the farmland in some corner of this country so won’t have to deal with opinionated ass-holes, of this over populated, over polluted bit of land called India.
I still think like that and only way to not burden the world with a piece of shit self important ass-hole like myself is, I think ending my life. I just feel like the whole of my existence is pointless as hell and a hindrance to those who I come in contact with as they seem to be enjoying this shambles of a life they live.
I somehow had the idea that I have no meaning nor does anyone else for that matter but that doesn’t stop me form existing or making life a miserable hell for those who wish or believe in something greater, doing some sort of thing that will help ease the pain of humanity then again what else is there to do if you are privileged enough to have higher thoughts where your existence is a problem rather than trying to exist just trying their level best to survive.I believe that once you reach that level of awareness where you can comprehend that nothing you do or try to do is worth the effort is the day you can work towards the greater good because only then can you realize that whatever you where doing was so pointless.You could have helped that poor beggar on the street get their act together in that while rather then waste more and more cash on things like a ipad mini which will just send you down the rabbit hole of consumption, a land of no return where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Its all a game to me now.I don’t know if my introverted disposition will ever give me any advantage in life or any comfort in life maybe momentary comforts that i can in a hedonistic manner consume. I just inadvertently pick the oddest of moments in my life to break down.Either i am up and running peeking my potential or just down in the dumps and moping around all the time. I am in essence tired of this manic depression, tired of this push and shove game with life and its passerby’s.
All i have that is true is pain,restlessness and a mental state that is about to brake into an anxious slaughter of my core. It can hit any given moment just give it a second it will kick in soon. There is a monster in me that wants red from within me.All i know is that i will die alone and twitch like a monkey on 10 cups of coffee in that transition from life to death.
I have never met anyone that idealizes pain,
All I’ve seen seen is people saying happiness comes with a does of pain.
Here i am fighting my own self. Struggling with a demon that is figment of my imagination or it just seems as such. Struggling to comprehend the utter dullness of this mundane mood swing that constantly crushing my spirit by the second, which implies that i had a spirit or a soul to begin with…well i didn’t or tried not to be so obviously ignorant. Each time i think that some thing nice might happen if i do “X” or “Y” it doesn’t.
So, is there some sort of fallacy that i might have committed or my thinking? or these sort of things universal with each person who is always on the up and up, always happy and cheery. Is this it? everyone just lying to each other. Showing up in facade, hiding what they are? Is this all there was or is left of this damned world.
I don’t know what these paragraph accomplish. Maybe some sort of a clearance sale from the bargain bin. Maybe just diarrhea from my head on to the floor in grand event called life.
As i began i will try to conclude.
A little part off me dies as i am not able to do anything that i set out to do.
A little part of me dies when i am not able to channel my energy into more positive thoughts.
A Little part of me wishes i didn’t exist as do the Buddhists as this cycle of life and dead are nothing but misery.
A little part of me debates that might already be dead, so chill out. RELAX. It doesn’t matter i say to myself in a consoling my self.
I kill my daemons one word at a time.
I kill my seamen one jerk at a time.
I drill my head with non-sense thinking it would matter in time.
I let go.I forget.Then i rinse and repeat.
In the wake of dread lay my mind unable to comprehend what might come next, it keeps me up shit keeps me up lack of direction keep me stuck in a rut. I go deeper I find out that it is infarct quagmire, not a crossroad. Figuring out the meaning of life is a mere obscurity now I cannot figure out what this mind has in-store for me now. I feel bipolar; one moment everything is narly in a moment which turns into gnarly. I don’t see it. I don’t see what I saw years ago. That drive is lost. That driver is lost, this is an unmanned vehicle now interact at your own risk.
Lets get it over with I say lets get out while we have something, while some of the sweet nectar of nostalgia is still present. Why, Oh why do I wish to do the same thing over and over. Getting my hopes up and then crumbling them like wafer. I can’t remember why I decided to change myself in the first place. Tried to make more of an effort to be a member of the mainstream why the reinvention when all I was going to do later was throw it away right into the drain like it meant nothing. But I guess it didn’t mean much since I forgot about it. Yes, I am talking about me. I forgot about me. I lost me. I had a gimps of me and it was too much. I could’ve been something but I didn’t want it. Why should I want it. After all it is just me. What have I done for me since? If I say me some more perhaps it will be meaningless.
Fuck me. Fuck everything about me.
PS : I will post rest of my depression stage paragraphs/blog posts after this one.