Hello, it’s been a while…this will be bad, I’ll be recollecting my experiences over the span of last 40-50 days. Maybe more days then that, not sure yet, but that’s a good approximate. Well it started around early days of October maybe earlier but give or take, I had started to get a lot of takeout food, a phenomena that wasn’t new to me but yet it was more than usual this time, as I had not broken out of being the lazy sloth that I ever so despised, I would usually do alteration between takeout and oats or something simple that I could cook at home that was healthier than takeout. Maybe it was me getting distracted by this film festival that I was planning to go towards the tail end of October, planning things out, what to watch, how to get there, knowing the venues, booking a place to live, transit budget getting a blueprint, booking tickets to get to said festival. It was a chore to be honest, the festival was being organized by a bunch of nincompoops who didn’t know their asses from their head in a true reliance fashion, constantly changing timings, putting up shitty time tables, next to no practical reasoning or regard for people who would take the time to attend this thing. Hence me getting a bit distracted and annoyed and of course ordering out instead of cooking and/or thinking things through while ordering out, for example vetting the place im ordering out from, picking the cheapest place to save money and by extension getting shitty food, poorly prepared which would later just get me sick.
That of course wasn’t the only thing keeping me in a rut, it was the self-sabotage that I had done to myself in a manner by pointlessly extending my term in the institution called ‘the education system’ and I would now get my degree only after I finished up with my 5th semester exam which I was absent for because I was up too late studying, that I overslept and end up in this predicament, only one fucking exam, for which I was well prepared and ready to get it done. The institution also failed my by not giving me a ‘special-chance’ to clear the damn thing in my 6th semester because let’s face it that would be asking too much from this place, after being shafted on every god damn thing, it wasn’t really a surprise either, just one more annoying thing to tack on at the end for my lustrous academic life, from dropping out of one course to join another and wasting 1 year in the process to wasting another year, for a dumb mistake, so now it will take me 5 or so years to do what I could’ve done in 3? So you see, what really has been the thing driving me towards a mild depression and overbearing anxiety…but yeah I do realized in both the cases it was just dumb luck at some point, So I try to march on.
Well anyways seeing my anxieties and where I’m at in life my ordering out constantly and living like a slob seems to be understandable. As I plan for this thing and think about the exam that I have to give at the tail end of November, I’m as distracted as ever and overlooking things I usually don’t, sanitation and where my food comes from being one of those things, I end up eating stale food (I guess) or contaminated food and eventually after going through clueless doctors who told me it’s my anxiety, ER visits where I get diagnosed with fever and put on an IV fluids of paracetamol to fix the said fever and then getting more tests done, because guess what I’m still having problems and I’m still shitting bricks (like literally hard stool). After all this I finally get few of those tests back, negative for most of them but my liver function is bad, my primary physician gets called up, he says to go to the ER again, they tell me it could be hepatitis and I should get admitted, I was alone at this point. I’m not a native of Delhi, so don’t know anyone here really had some “friends” but it’s been a while since I could call anyone that truly. So didn’t want to intrude on their lives, called up my family of which one half is in Mumbai and one in Shillong. I tell my dad to come down as this shit is for real, and I might need to help both financially and physically, so he books the next flight for Delhi from Shillong which will be the next day at this point as there are only one flight that goes from there to here and it’s too late by now to catch it, airport being across state borders, it would be impossible anyhow, tonight. Now imagine me trying to explain this shit to my ER doctor, she really fucking kicked me in the balls and kept squishing them, as though deriving some sort of sadistic pleasure in this, it went something like this:
Doc: Do you have anyone who can help you out right now? You won’t be able to handle the admissions procedure on your own…
Me: No, I have no one to depend on right now, my family can only be here tomorrow.
Doc: You don’t have anyone? Like ANYONE AT ALL?
Me: No, no one tonight, not at this hour.
Doc: like not even a close friend? Or a friend? Not even a family friend?
Me: maybe a family friend…but I’m unsure if I can get them at this hour.
Doc: No one else? Not even a girlfriend?
Now I know this was done with the best of intention and all, but seriously…How callus do you have to be in order to have a total disregard for the human being sitting next to you? Fucking sick and all, barely able to make sentences and on top of that his liver might be fucked. So, understandably scared to death and your there asking him questions like these at like 10 in the night, with an IV needle stuck in his hand.
Btw I didn’t get admitted to the hospital this night, after running around with that IV needle across the long corridors of the hospital multiple times, with a shitty liver that was unknowingly shafted by the ER in the first place. The hospital didn’t give me reason let alone a valid or reasoned one for why I didn’t get admitted, mind you this hospital isn’t a public one, even then I get all of this bureaucratic bullshit, with cryptic responses for a sick person. As an aside I would say that as a sick person trying to get admitted alone to a hospital in India you need to be prepared to die, if this is the level of apathy you are working with from the staff and doctors. Or I guess I’m just unlucky in matters of life in general and this is just one more for the book.
Usually I don’t let shit like this get to me but I guess one too many elements aligned this time, glad that my family was there…eventually. So, we came to multiple eventualities like eventually I was pointed towards a liver specialist, he point-blank told me go for a category above the one I was applying for and I would get in… I was like why didn’t the admin asshole tell me this? Even when I asked the same pointblank? To myself of course, knew nothing would come of this if I made a fuss now also I’m still sick at this point painfully moving around, just want to get a proper diagnosis and get this shit over with already. So eventually I’m admitted, eventually I get a diagnosis of hepatitis A, which is comparatively less complicated I guess. Eventually I get out of the hospital after getting drips and being on the bed, making observations about what goes around me on twitter, eating hospital food and all that jazz. Eventually I’m back home and my pops decides he needs to bolt, by this time my brother is about to be back anyways, so I concede after being uncertain for a bit. Eventually my father leaves and the house is empty, I try to cook some shit, doing the dishes that is after the doc has told me not to partake in any physical activity, but I guess I didn’t have a choice, can’t eat out, too fatty or I could relapse or get more fucked up. I cook some khichdi, get some bread, make some toast, so on and so forth, eventually my brother comes back, we talk, we try to figure it out, I obviously tell him he needs to get himself tested, get vaccinated, he eventually gets tested, he’s negative (generally and in his tests as well). He doesn’t get vaccinated because he’s a fucking moron and a lazy fucker and also thinks he will get the disease from the vaccine, even though his doc has told him the opposite. We fight, get told, why do I care, the usual bs. Shit is getting back to normal, I’m tweeting a lot now, I face some complications, and run back n forth from my house to the doc, he says it’s nothing, adds a few meds, tells me to get re tested for the liver function and a ultrasound for everything else (i.e. pain and twitching in stomach), I get a clear bill of health (well told to get checked in a month). I then get anxious again causing some horrible acid reflux that felt like death/heart attack, I take some anti-acid, but it doesn’t really help, my exam is coming up soon, I need to give it at least, been fucked up so I have an excuse, but still this shit has irked me for a good year now, the doc tells me it’s probably due to exams that I’m anxious, and the reflux is a consequence, he increases dosage of the pump inhibitor and tells me to get some anti-acid if that doesn’t help, and try to get over the exam and re-convene if the problem persists after the exam, then I will get more tests and such. I concede and go back, eventually the day of exam comes, I give it with uncertainty and all the melancholic energy in the world, I still am waiting for the results and am really uncertain if I will get out this loop. Going to get a few more test tomorrow, see the doc to re-consider my medications in a few days, hopefully I can get back to “normal” soon, back to working out, back to procrastinating on my writings. Still not a hundred percent, Delhi’s weather might be a contributing factor to that, can’t expect to get better sucking down poison.
Thanks for reading this emo ass emo post, or whatever you where doing while pretending to read through this shit. I’m not achieving anything other than archiving my hollow life in this online void which is but a vessel.