Just general restlessness.(7 Months ago, December 2012)

I somehow had the idea that I have no meaning nor does anyone else for that matter but that doesn’t stop me form existing or making life a miserable hell for those who wish or believe in something greater, doing some sort of thing that will help ease the pain of humanity then again what else is there to do if you are privileged enough to have higher thoughts where your existence is a problem rather than trying to exist just trying their level best to survive.I believe that once you reach that level of awareness where you can comprehend that nothing you do or try to do is worth the effort is the day you can work towards the greater good because only then can you realize that whatever you where doing was so pointless.You could have helped that poor beggar on the street get their act together in that while rather then waste more and more cash on things like a ipad mini which will just send you down the rabbit hole of consumption, a land of no return where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Its all a game to me now.I don’t know if my introverted disposition will ever give me any advantage in life or any comfort in life maybe momentary comforts that i can in a hedonistic manner consume. I just inadvertently pick the oddest of moments in my life to break down.Either i am up and running peeking my potential or just down in the dumps and moping around all the time. I am in essence tired of this manic depression, tired of this push and shove game with life and its passerby’s.

All i have that is true is pain,restlessness and a mental state that is about to brake into an anxious slaughter of my core. It can hit any given moment just give it a second it will kick in soon. There is a monster in me that wants red from within me.All i know is that i will die alone and twitch like a monkey on 10 cups of coffee in that transition from life to death.

I have never met anyone that idealizes pain,

All I’ve seen seen is people saying happiness comes with a does of pain.


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