Just a few hours ago I came to know that I scored really low in the first semesters exams and will have to reappear for some papers next semester. As it is I had dropped out of a college last year(was studying English) since I didn’t like how they where treating the students and the syllabus structure was poor.
Then I joined a philosophy course this year in a different college after failing(or after exhausting all of my options) to peruse my first choice of English in a decent college. I believe I have a lot ridding on this since I’ve basically been a flaker all my life and that is not going to change any time soon I don’t have any future prospects without a decent score as there isn’t much scope philosophy as it is and especially in India(I was planning to jump ship later and get a masters in journalism).
I’ve been feeling quite depressed since I left my last college and started living with my parents constantly seeing their semi disappointed faces(I might be reading too much into it but still the feeling lingers) over the timespan of the past two years I’ve tried to improve my physical condition over and over again and some what succeed too but then again my depression took over when I couldn’t get into any decent college and had to settle for a different thing.So then I fell into a rut with my college. Which wasn’t the best thing to happen for my new field of study philosophy along with it I put on about 5-7 kg’s due to the depressed state of mind I was in now. This was not an option but I kept trying to think positive try to get knowledge and be enlightened but then I started physically deteriorating as I had stopped giving a damn about my body and started feeling sick all the time a lot of sleep deprivation and even started contemplating suicide after a while as I couldn’t really live with myself this person I had turned into…just the idea of it was eating me alive. I don’t have any friends that I socialize with as I have a really introverted personality.
So yeah, thoughts of suicide was seeming like a valid prospect to me as the situation for me was looking very grim, so was the condition of India and that is all I kept seeing, the bad that was in the society I was and am still living in a lot of fear.
Fear of people who aren’t ever going to accept or tolerate my belief as valid as theirs, of people who are deeply corrupt and are considered to be leaders of society, of people who are overly emotional and judgemental of others and amazingly have an entitled and proud feeling for this awful country that will not become a developed nation in the next 20-40 years. I felt the need to escape this hindrance of a country but couldn’t, I was and am going to be stuck here until and unless I get extraordinarily rich (which I don’t stand a chance of becoming any time) or go work in the farmland in some corner of this country so won’t have to deal with opinionated ass-holes, of this over populated, over polluted bit of land called India.
I still think like that and only way to not burden the world with a piece of shit self important ass-hole like myself is, I think ending my life. I just feel like the whole of my existence is pointless as hell and a hindrance to those who I come in contact with as they seem to be enjoying this shambles of a life they live.