In an eternal rut

I feel like a 12 year old me which lives in denial sometimes (or with a lack of foresight). Which cares not for things that come or are affecting me right now. I live for the right now. Thinking of what is good for me at this very moment. Not caring if its good for me in the traditional sense but in the cave man way. Like food good; work bad; doing nothing good; doing something to improve future prospects bad. Living off of whims and tantrums is all I live for. But what if I never evolved from that cave man persona? But became more synchronized with him what if that little moment where I caved into societal pressure and shaped up in a manner was just a phase where I fell into the blissful notion that something good would happen to me. Trying to chase the majestic creature that was never there I guess.

Living in an illusion that you can’t quite crack is what it feels like. Am I still a cave man or did I never stop being a cave man and just managed to delude myself into thinking I could be something else for once.

Then again why am I hung up on this questionShouldn’t I be questioning my eternal rut? Or the fact that it might not exist in the first place? My concepts are too skewed.I can’t even get a chain of thought to go together.

It’s just hard to come to terms with the fact that “whatsoever you do in life is quite possibly going to be useless in the future as you are going to die at the end of every scenario”.

I guess I’ll go back to being a misfit.

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