How it went: Getting a disease and subsequently getting misdiagnosed and then getting an actual diagnosis, amongst other things.

Hello, it’s been a while…this will be bad, I’ll be recollecting my experiences over the span of last 40-50 days. Maybe more days then that, not sure yet, but that’s a good approximate. Well it started around early days of October maybe earlier but give or take, I had started to get a lot of takeout food, a phenomena that wasn’t new to me but yet it was more than usual this time, as I had not broken out of being the lazy sloth that I ever so despised, I would usually do alteration between takeout and oats or something simple that I could cook at home that was healthier than takeout. Maybe it was me getting distracted by this film festival that I was planning to go towards the tail end of October, planning things out, what to watch, how to get there, knowing the venues, booking a place to live, transit budget getting a blueprint, booking tickets to get to said festival. It was a chore to be honest, the festival was being organized by a bunch of nincompoops who didn’t know their asses from their head in a true reliance fashion, constantly changing timings, putting up shitty time tables, next to no practical reasoning or regard for people who would take the time to attend this thing. Hence me getting a bit distracted and annoyed and of course ordering out instead of cooking and/or thinking things through while ordering out, for example vetting the place im ordering out from, picking the cheapest place to save money and by extension getting shitty food, poorly prepared which would later just get me sick.

 

That of course wasn’t the only thing keeping me in a rut, it was the self-sabotage that I had done to myself in a manner by pointlessly extending my term in the institution called ‘the education system’ and I would now get my degree only after I finished up with my 5th semester exam which I was absent for because I was up too late studying, that I overslept and end up in this predicament, only one fucking exam, for which I was well prepared and ready to get it done. The institution also failed my by not giving me a ‘special-chance’ to clear the damn thing in my 6th semester because let’s face it that would be asking too much from this place, after being shafted on every god damn thing, it wasn’t really a surprise either, just one more annoying thing to tack on at the end for my lustrous academic life, from dropping out of one course to join another and wasting 1 year in the process to wasting another year, for a dumb mistake, so now it will take me 5 or so years to do what I could’ve done in 3? So you see, what really has been the thing driving me towards a mild depression and overbearing anxiety…but yeah I do realized in both the cases it was just dumb luck at some point, So I try to march on.

 

Well anyways seeing my anxieties and where I’m at in life my ordering out constantly and living like a slob seems to be understandable. As I plan for this thing and think about the exam that I have to give at the tail end of November, I’m as distracted as ever and overlooking things I usually don’t, sanitation and where my food comes from being one of those things, I end up eating stale food (I guess) or contaminated food and eventually after going through clueless doctors who told me it’s my anxiety, ER visits where I get diagnosed with fever and put on an IV fluids of paracetamol to fix the said fever and then getting more tests done, because guess what I’m still having problems and I’m still shitting bricks (like literally hard stool). After all this I finally get few of those tests back, negative for most of them but my liver function is bad, my primary physician gets called up, he says to go to the ER again, they tell me it could be hepatitis and I should get admitted, I was alone at this point. I’m not a native of Delhi, so don’t know anyone here really had some “friends” but it’s been a while since I could call anyone that truly. So didn’t want to intrude on their lives, called up my family of which one half is in Mumbai and one in Shillong. I tell my dad to come down as this shit is for real, and I might need to help both financially and physically, so he books the next flight for Delhi from Shillong which will be the next day at this point as there are only one flight that goes from there to here and it’s too late by now to catch it, airport being across state borders, it would be impossible anyhow, tonight. Now imagine me trying to explain this shit to my ER doctor, she really fucking kicked me in the balls and kept squishing them, as though deriving some sort of sadistic pleasure in this, it went something like this:

Doc: Do you have anyone who can help you out right now? You won’t be able to handle the admissions procedure on your own…

Me: No, I have no one to depend on right now, my family can only be here tomorrow.

Doc: You don’t have anyone? Like ANYONE AT ALL?

Me: No, no one tonight, not at this hour.

Doc: like not even a close friend? Or a friend? Not even a family friend?

Me: maybe a family friend…but I’m unsure if I can get them at this hour.

Doc: No one else? Not even a girlfriend?

Me: No.

 

Now I know this was done with the best of intention and all, but seriously…How callus do you have to be in order to have a total disregard for the human being sitting next to you? Fucking sick and all, barely able to make sentences and on top of that his liver might be fucked. So, understandably scared to death and your there asking him questions like these at like 10 in the night, with an IV needle stuck in his hand.

Btw I didn’t get admitted to the hospital this night, after running around with that IV needle across the long corridors of the hospital multiple times, with a shitty liver that was unknowingly shafted by the ER in the first place. The hospital didn’t give me reason let alone a valid or reasoned one for why I didn’t get admitted, mind you this hospital isn’t a public one, even then I get all of this bureaucratic bullshit, with cryptic responses for a sick person. As an aside I would say that as a sick person trying to get admitted alone to a hospital in India you need to be prepared to die, if this is the level of apathy you are working with from the staff and doctors. Or I guess I’m just unlucky in matters of life in general and this is just one more for the book.

Usually I don’t let shit like this get to me but I guess one too many elements aligned this time, glad that my family was there…eventually. So, we came to multiple eventualities like eventually I was pointed towards a liver specialist, he point-blank told me go for a category above the one I was applying for and I would get in… I was like why didn’t the admin asshole tell me this? Even when I asked the same pointblank? To myself of course, knew nothing would come of this if I made a fuss now also I’m still sick at this point painfully moving around, just want to get a proper diagnosis and get this shit over with already. So eventually I’m admitted, eventually I get a diagnosis of hepatitis A, which is comparatively less complicated I guess. Eventually I get out of the hospital after getting drips and being on the bed, making observations about what goes around me on twitter, eating hospital food and all that jazz. Eventually I’m back home and my pops decides he needs to bolt, by this time my brother is about to be back anyways, so I concede after being uncertain for a bit. Eventually my father leaves and the house is empty, I try to cook some shit, doing the dishes that is after the doc has told me not to partake in any physical activity, but I guess I didn’t have a choice, can’t eat out, too fatty or I could relapse or get more fucked up. I cook some khichdi, get some bread, make some toast, so on and so forth, eventually my brother comes back, we talk, we try to figure it out, I obviously tell him he needs to get himself tested, get vaccinated, he eventually gets tested, he’s negative (generally and in his tests as well). He doesn’t get vaccinated because he’s a fucking moron and a lazy fucker and also thinks he will get the disease from the vaccine, even though his doc has told him the opposite. We fight, get told, why do I care, the usual bs. Shit is getting back to normal, I’m tweeting a lot now, I face some complications, and run back n forth from my house to the doc, he says it’s nothing, adds a few meds, tells me to get re tested for the liver function and a ultrasound for everything else (i.e. pain and twitching in stomach), I get a clear bill of health (well told to get checked in a month). I then get anxious again causing some horrible acid reflux that felt like death/heart attack, I take some anti-acid, but it doesn’t really help, my exam is coming up soon, I need to give it at least, been fucked up so I have an excuse, but still this shit has irked me for a good year now, the doc tells me it’s probably due to exams that I’m anxious, and the reflux is a consequence, he increases dosage of the pump inhibitor and tells me to get some anti-acid if that doesn’t help, and try to get over the exam and re-convene if the problem persists after the exam, then I will get more tests and such. I concede and go back, eventually the day of exam comes, I give it with uncertainty and all the melancholic energy in the world, I still am waiting for the results and am really uncertain if I will get out this loop. Going to get a few more test tomorrow, see the doc to re-consider my medications in a few days, hopefully I can get back to “normal” soon, back to working out, back to procrastinating on my writings. Still not a hundred percent, Delhi’s weather might be a contributing factor to that, can’t expect to get better sucking down poison.

Thanks for reading this emo ass emo post, or whatever you where doing while pretending to read through this shit. I’m not achieving anything other than archiving my hollow life in this online void which is but a vessel.

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Stone-age academia or Why I hate academia in India.

Met a professor while getting my admit card after months as I had stopped going to college for a while, and the conversation that followed was pure unadulterated bullshit.
I told her I’ve been depressed for a while and after I got over that I made a conscious decision to not partake in the farce that is considered academia, most of my peers agree with me that the professors are not doing their jobs right, courses are poorly structured, and basics like a decent amount of reference books and course books are not made available in the libraries, I have brought up these issues with the philosophy departments teachers, I even went as far as drawing up a list of books that have been prescribed in our syllabus to one of the professors at one point but nothing was done to rectify the situation.

Most of the students who have asked the professors to do a little leg work and make basic things available to them have been sidelined on more than one occasion, we don’t get any options or say in what we study, no one asks the students even though there are options in the syllabus, we’re not given a choice or even told what we’re really in for and randomly thrown to the deep end of a subject without any interest in them. She calls me a pessimist, I say its not that hard to put two and two together and see the world for what it really is and not be depressed or pessimistic. I say there is a lack of reform, she calls me a pessimistic and angry, I say “teaching is poorly done” , she says “why didn’t you say anything in class instead of disappearing?”, I say “what do you think I was trying to do in the past two years?”.

I was present for everything, gave all the assignments despite the poor infrastructure provided. I wanted feedback on my work, they provided me with nonsense like how much should you write and how little I am writing or nothing at all most of the time, good marks in internal assessment don’t explain what I did right or wrong. On top that she kept asking me why I’m depressed, I was like, its a disease I don’t know why depression chose me, but it wasn’t sudden, it was a long time coming…I guess it was the constant shit sandwich that I was being fed, and in essence it was the people undermining me at multiple level, and a system that is deceptive and a bloody joke.

My only and true fault is that I wanted a dignified response to the whole situation, some action taken perhaps, maybe some accountability, then I was told I’m a pessimist and to just look for the silver lining of things like a numbskull. I say Fuck that, and fuck academia, especially the one that exists in India. Call me a pessimist and leave me to rot, that’s your thing anyway.

Salute

Well the Indian independence day is upon us

Imagine we’re all assembled in the ground together to salute the flag and celebrate the Independence day, I come forward as mandated to salute the flag, but before I submit myself to the authoritarian will…these are my last words

Let us all salute the flag in uniformity,
after all we gained autonomy you see.

Let us savour the taste of that sweet freedom to practise democracy,
tyranny of the many,
business as usual you’ll see.

Let us take a crash course in eudaimonia,
wreaked and crashed under delusion you’ll see.

Let us all take a leap of faith,
forget we’re all still slaves,
be it this flag or the other you’ll see.

Let us all salute the flag in perfect uniformity,
as we sink deeper, depression and desperation is all there is you see.

At the end of the day.

Crushed will be the mind the more you think

If you don’t do so it will eventually sink

Sink you will anyways maybe ignorance or revelation

All you will need is nudge in either direction

Ignorance would lead you to a path that would make for a hollow life

Revelation would lead you to a path that would be riddled with internal strife

Either way you are done for, as your mind will bleed

You will plant one of those seed

You are already dead though, what’s the point if you do read?

Beauty, Justice, Happiness…what makes you pay heed?

Even if you do end up getting it do you really think you will be able to proceed?

Or will you just become hollow, like a zombie moving ahead as decreed?

Life in solitude or social prominence all ending in one way or the other

In the end all will be smothered by nature mother.

– Anup

End of academia.

So…it has ended. My short lived life cycle in the University of Delhi, and with that comes to an end my painful encounter with academia in general…I QUIT THIS! for now at least this is the end. I need to get out. Just be away from Delhi too many bad memories now in this city. Hopefully this will open some doors that where held tightly shut.I don’t have much else to say.I. AM. DONE.

The jig is up…enough is enough?(3 Months ago, March-April 2013 )

Well i think its close. It is following me around this feeling. Constantly the feeling of coming end , the feeling of restlessness , the feeling of utter uselessness and inability to concentrate on anything that matters and is going to potentially effect me as an individual in the coming future.

Nothing cheers me up. I’ve started to do things just to feel again…I’ve forgotten how to feel. Fuck. Just…I mean have I really gotten to that point? I never thought everything goes so numb sometimes. Just staring. Thats what i do sometimes you know? Just zone out, don’t know if this life is worth the effort anymore.

I wake up broken and become worse and worse as the day progresses.Maybe I need a drastic change. Maybe i need to move out and move on with my life and leave my loved ones out of it. Even if it comes at a cost because I feel like a stranger with these loved ones anyways. I’m not even sure what love is. All I have is a concept it just never manifests in the physical form.

Maybe thats what i crave.But lust is what I am a slave.

I’m inhumane insane. Mundane existence that is my bane.

Fuck.

Got some bad news… academically(6-7 months ago, January 2013)

Just a few hours ago I came to know that I scored really low in the first semesters exams and will have to reappear for some papers next semester. As it is I had dropped out of a college last year(was studying English) since I didn’t like how they where treating the students and the syllabus structure was poor.

Then I joined a philosophy course this year in a different college after failing(or after exhausting all of my options) to peruse my first choice of English in a decent college. I believe I have a lot ridding on this since I’ve basically been a flaker all my life and that is not going to change any time soon I don’t have any future prospects without a decent score as there isn’t much scope philosophy as it is and especially in India(I was planning to jump ship later and get a masters in journalism).

I’ve been feeling quite depressed since I left my last college and started living with my parents constantly seeing their semi disappointed faces(I might be reading too much into it but still the feeling lingers) over the timespan of the past two years I’ve tried to improve my physical condition over and over again and some what succeed too but then again my depression took over when I couldn’t get into any decent college and had to settle for a different thing.So then I fell into a rut with my college. Which wasn’t the best thing to happen for my new field of study philosophy along with it I put on about 5-7 kg’s due to the depressed state of mind I was in now. This was not an option but I kept trying to think positive try to get knowledge and be enlightened but then I started physically deteriorating as I had stopped giving a damn about my body and started feeling sick all the time a lot of sleep deprivation and even started contemplating suicide after a while as I couldn’t really live with myself this person I had turned into…just the idea of it was eating me alive. I don’t have any friends that I socialize with as I have a really introverted personality.

So yeah, thoughts of suicide was seeming like a valid prospect to me as the situation for me was looking very grim, so was the condition of India and that is all I kept seeing, the bad that was in the society I was and am still living in a lot of fear.

Fear of people who aren’t ever going to accept or tolerate my belief as valid as theirs, of people who are deeply corrupt and are considered to be leaders of society, of people who are overly emotional and judgemental of others and amazingly have an entitled and proud feeling for this awful country that will not become a developed nation in the next 20-40 years. I felt the need to escape this hindrance of a country but couldn’t, I was and am going to be stuck here until and unless I get extraordinarily rich (which I don’t stand a chance of becoming any time) or go work in the farmland in some corner of this country so won’t have to deal with opinionated ass-holes, of this over populated, over polluted bit of land called India.

I still think like that and only way to not burden the world with a piece of shit self important ass-hole like myself is, I think ending my life. I just feel like the whole of my existence is pointless as hell and a hindrance to those who I come in contact with as they seem to be enjoying this shambles of a life they live.

Just general restlessness.(7 Months ago, December 2012)

I somehow had the idea that I have no meaning nor does anyone else for that matter but that doesn’t stop me form existing or making life a miserable hell for those who wish or believe in something greater, doing some sort of thing that will help ease the pain of humanity then again what else is there to do if you are privileged enough to have higher thoughts where your existence is a problem rather than trying to exist just trying their level best to survive.I believe that once you reach that level of awareness where you can comprehend that nothing you do or try to do is worth the effort is the day you can work towards the greater good because only then can you realize that whatever you where doing was so pointless.You could have helped that poor beggar on the street get their act together in that while rather then waste more and more cash on things like a ipad mini which will just send you down the rabbit hole of consumption, a land of no return where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Its all a game to me now.I don’t know if my introverted disposition will ever give me any advantage in life or any comfort in life maybe momentary comforts that i can in a hedonistic manner consume. I just inadvertently pick the oddest of moments in my life to break down.Either i am up and running peeking my potential or just down in the dumps and moping around all the time. I am in essence tired of this manic depression, tired of this push and shove game with life and its passerby’s.

All i have that is true is pain,restlessness and a mental state that is about to brake into an anxious slaughter of my core. It can hit any given moment just give it a second it will kick in soon. There is a monster in me that wants red from within me.All i know is that i will die alone and twitch like a monkey on 10 cups of coffee in that transition from life to death.

I have never met anyone that idealizes pain,

All I’ve seen seen is people saying happiness comes with a does of pain.

Little part of me died. (9 Months old, November 2012)

Here i am fighting my own self. Struggling with a demon that is figment of my imagination or it just seems as such. Struggling to comprehend the utter dullness of this mundane mood swing that constantly crushing my spirit by the second, which implies that i had a spirit or a soul to begin with…well i didn’t or tried not to be so obviously ignorant. Each time i think that some thing nice might happen if i do “X” or “Y” it doesn’t.

So, is there some sort of fallacy that i might have committed or my thinking? or these sort of things universal with each person who is always on the up and up, always happy and cheery. Is this it? everyone just lying to each other. Showing up in facade, hiding what they are? Is this all there was or is left of this damned world.

I don’t know what these paragraph accomplish. Maybe some sort of a clearance sale from the bargain bin. Maybe just diarrhea from my head on to the floor in grand event called life.

As i began i will try to conclude.

A little part off me dies as i am not able to do anything that i set out to do.

A little part of me dies when i am not able to channel my energy into more positive thoughts.

A Little part of me wishes i didn’t exist as do the Buddhists as this cycle of life and dead are nothing but misery.

A little part of me debates that might already be dead, so chill out. RELAX. It doesn’t matter i say to myself in a consoling my self.

I kill my daemons one word at a time.

I kill my seamen one jerk at a time.

I drill my head with non-sense thinking it would matter in time.

I let go.I forget.Then i rinse and repeat.

Lets get it over with.

In the wake of dread lay my mind unable to comprehend what might come next, it keeps me up shit keeps me up lack of direction keep me stuck in a rut. I go deeper I find out that it is infarct quagmire, not a crossroad. Figuring out the meaning of life is a mere obscurity now I cannot figure out what this mind has in-store for me now. I feel bipolar; one moment everything is narly in a moment which turns into gnarly. I don’t see it. I don’t see what I saw years ago. That drive is lost. That driver is lost, this is an unmanned vehicle now interact at your own risk. 

 

Lets get it over with I say lets get out while we have something, while some of the sweet nectar of nostalgia is still present. Why, Oh why do I wish to do the same thing over and over. Getting my hopes up and then crumbling them like wafer. I can’t remember why I decided to change myself in the first place. Tried to make more of an effort to be a member of the mainstream why the reinvention when all I was going to do later was throw it away right into the drain like it meant nothing. But I guess it didn’t mean much since I forgot about it. Yes, I am talking about me. I forgot about me. I lost me. I had a gimps of me and it was too much. I could’ve been something but I didn’t want it. Why should I want it. After all it is just me. What have I done for me since? If I say me some more perhaps it will be meaningless.

 

Fuck me. Fuck everything about me.

 

PS : I will post rest of my depression stage paragraphs/blog posts after this one.